Why do I hate the sound of a number so much?
I don’t dislike the way I look, or the way my body feels under my own hands in the shower, but the second I step on a scale, it’s as though a gray haze has overtaken my brain. It follows me for days after.
When I started testosterone, I was 110 pounds soaking wet. Over the course of two years, I now sit at 190. In the course of my second puberty so far, I’ve gained 80 pounds. I like the way I look, but I don’t like the way that sounds.
What is it about numbers that feel so different than just looking and seeing yourself for what you are? Is it quantifying that’s the problem? Does putting a name to the physical appearance make it somehow less worthy? I have no reason to be upset about my weight, because when I look in the mirror, I’m not unhappy with what I see. Yet, having that number linger in the back of my head makes my self-loving gaze just a bit more strained.
Our society is so focused on being thin, young, and beautiful. I know I’m still young, but I grow older every day. I’m not really thin like I used to be anymore. As for beautiful, I don’t know if I am or not, to be completely honest.
I don’t know how well I apply to any of these categories that are so important in our society. I don’t know why these are the things we value in the first place.
What’s the point of looking young when everyone ages anyways? Shouldn’t smile lines and crow’s feet be a badge of honor for those who have lived a lifetime of laughter?
Why do we care so much about being thin? We have an enormous amount of food to explore and enjoy, so why shouldn’t we take advantage? Exercise is important, but should we really be spending enough time at the gym that we could get paid for it? Impressionable children starve themselves to be skinny. We call it a disordered behavior, but is it not the disordered society at fault for making them feel like they needed to?
What do people do to appear more beautiful? They primp and pamper for the idea that they might be considered lovely. How important is beauty as compared to compassion? As compared to kindness? Empathy?
We’ve become so superficial that we can’t understand each other. We place so much stock in the way we look, the number on the scale, that we forget what’s really important. It’s okay to be fat, or unattractive, or old. What matters is that you enjoy the life you have for as long as you have it. Eat well, laugh loudly, age. You only have so much time, it’d be a shame to not use it.